While my children love to read, have quiet time, play family games, and structured stable lives with mom being at home, this is not so for our visitors. Joshua and Julie's parents are unamicably divorced with liberal visitation to both parties. Both of their parents work, daycare is a necessity as my sister's days begin at 5 am and the children must be rushed to and from child care. While I have the free time to make the majority of our food from scratch, as natural or organic as possible, these children live on take out and processed foods. When their parents do have quality time with them, it becomes as case of who can make them happier with gifts or outings to out do the other parent since the turn over happens every other day. Lots of streaming television, DS systems, cell phones with picture and texting capabilities and a constant running of noise or action is part of the daily grind for our young relatives. Needless to say, we were all in for a culture shock.
I was surprised to discover I had more patience than I had originally thought before their arrival. I had to remind myself of their perspective to how we run our family is far different than what Joshua and Julie were accustom to living. When I wanted to bit of quiet time, I could easily tell my children to pick up a book and no one would balk, Julie does not know how to read and Joshua is not use to entertaining himself. This seemingly little thing shed light onto a problem that has come upon our society. Parents, in hopes to keep children busy, have not taught our next generation the gift of delayed gratification.
Why is it so important to learn delayed gratification? This seemingly simple concept is the basis of patience and self control. Our society has taught the younger generation that waiting is not necessary. Food can be microwaved and ready in 5 minutes, discovering a story can be played out in 30 minutes to two hours, creativity can be what you can finish in 10 minutes, and deep thought does not happen when your brain is constantly being filled with noise. Julie had the most adjustment as I just looked at her in disbelief when she would exclaim there was nothing to do in at our house. Julie needed me to tell her what to do because she did not comprehend finding something to do for herself. At school and daycare, she was given specific times to do specific activities. She could not see the forest laid before her. I had cabinets of paints, crayons, paper, pipe cleaners, glue, glitter, cut outs, scissors, an absolute wonderland for the creative arts. Imagination play with dolls, ponies, dress up clothes inside and outside was an oasis with the fort, sand box, tall grass, trampoline, bikes, scooters, balls, jump ropes just waiting to become the back drop of some great adventure.
Another adjustment came in the form of food. At the ages of 11 and 7 their innocent taste buds were thrust into the realm of home cooked meals and snacks. With our garden producing various vegetables and the Amish stands full of other fare, these children were in shock from the new flavors before them. It was like teaching young children to eat all over again. I would put a little on their plates and tell them they must try the new items. Or I would mix beloved strawberries with other fruits for a fruit salad in order to force their tongues to experience the sweet and tart variations of unknown fruits as simple as raspberries and blueberries with oranges and grapes. Slowly Joshua's early declaration "zucchini is always disgusting" turned to requests for muffins, ratatouille, and zucchini pie (as long as salsa was served also). A few days after their arrival, both children were getting headaches. At first I thought it was due to their lack of fluid intake on such hot humid days, which was true, and they began to push more water into their systems at my insistence. Later I realized it was probably also from the reduction in chemicals and caffeine these children are use to consuming in sodas and processed foods. Julie went from requests for chips and candy to downing homemade granola bars and smoothies with absolute delight.
But delight was not always a part of their day. I expected daily chores from my niece and nephew just like my own children. I always asked them to do something that either I or the children were also doing. Discipline in a divorced family with constant bouncing between places is quite inconsistent. Joshua and Julie were in shock at the more clam tones, explanations to behavior modification requests, and ability to have each side heard even if theirs was not the prevailing one. Also, consequences were followed through when choices were made. If an expectation was stated before, if everyone can behave on the outing, no screaming or fighting and using kind words with patience, we could stop by the store to pick out ice cream for later, it was completed. Working as a team was a new concept for children who are more entrenched in "a dog eat dog world" view.
On the whole, I think our experiment worked. Karl and I wanted to give the children a break from their lives and experience a different family life even if it was for only two weeks. But two weeks in the same beds, eating home cooked foods, playing like children should (freedom to ride bikes/scooters or go exploring for hours), and providing a safe environment where watching your back is not necessary created something we had only hoped would happen. Joshua and Julie learned to slow down and enjoy their surroundings. As Joshua beamed at me from across the seat with tears in his eyes, he exclaimed,
"We need to come here every year for this is our real vacation!"
